i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
