All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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