you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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