Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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