i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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