I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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