In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
