She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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