You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
