I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
