Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Everything about him screamed your future.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
