I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
