His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
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