I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize