I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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