I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
