why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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