how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
