I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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