How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just found puke in my bra..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
