I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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