Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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