Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
