i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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