I think my fart just growled at me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize