hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
