I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
