Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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