I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
