Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
