I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
