My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
