hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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