What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
