He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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