the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
