you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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