So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
