He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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