Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
