I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
