Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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