My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
