The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
