i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
