Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
