Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
