hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
