The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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