When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
