pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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