dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
