guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
