my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
