i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
